Psychology page on social networks. Why is it a great idea to remove yourself from all social media? I don't need other people's friends

11.10.2023

Online asceticism: how people who do not have accounts on social networks live
It is difficult to imagine life without comments, likes and messengers, but some people choose such an existence voluntarily. A top manager, a student and a lawyer talk about how they abandoned social networks and what has changed since then.

“Small actions say more about you than long posts.”

Tamara

25 years old, manager / used to actively use Instagram

A couple of years ago, I was very active on social media. When we were gathering at the table with friends, I would go on Instagram and post photos, come up with a long description for them, confess my love to my friends - all this right during dinner.

Photographs are a separate topic. I walked past a beautiful wall and thought that I needed to take a photo here. I’m not a very photogenic person and before I could take about 18 thousand photographs, I would choose one of them and process it for 2.5 hours. And even before, I had a trick: make an appointment at a certain restaurant just to check in there and take a bunch of photos. I understand that this is strange, and talking about it is even stranger, but now I admit it to myself and hope that sooner or later this realization will overtake all instamaniacs.

Nowadays, it sometimes happens that friends say, “I sent you a request on Instagram, but you don’t answer me.” We have to explain that this is all in the past. From time to time I feel disconnected, for example, if I miss a restaurant opening or the latest fashion joke, but mostly my friends tell me about everything on WhatsApp.

Now it’s funny for me to look at myself in the past - a kind of 17-year-old playgirl who knows everything about love, the meaning of life and, most importantly, teaches all this to others. Gradually you outgrow it all. I very actively discourage friends from social networks; it is better to devote this time to loved ones. Small actions say more about you than long posts. For example, I have a friend with whom we write real paper letters to each other. And when we go somewhere abroad, we always send each other postcards.

“When I tell new acquaintances that I’m not on social networks, they try to shake my hand.”

Inna

30 years old, top manager / never registered on social networks

I’m 30, I’m single, I work in a retail chain as a finance manager, I’ve lived in Moscow for more than 25 years. I was never registered on social networks, I was not attracted to it - maybe because when social networks began to develop, I was surrounded by people who did not understand it. The young man did not want to see me on social networks, and my family and close people were skeptical about online communication. My involvement in work and lack of free time also played a role.

All my friends use social networks. It happens that everyone is discussing some video that has already collected thousands of likes, and I sit and don’t understand what they are talking about. But I’m not embarrassed or upset, I just ask you to send me the link. When I tell new acquaintances that I am not on social networks, as a rule, they try to shake my hand.

I’ve never had a desire to post anything; I myself don’t like to be photographed or photographed; I prefer to collect impressions with my own eyes, rather than through a screen. I’m a little closed, I first need to be won over to tell you something, and I’m also not inclined to share my news with everyone around me.

Sometimes, when I come to a cafe with friends, I warn: whoever picks up the phone first pays for the entire bill. It annoys me that we can’t just sit and chat - everyone is on their phones. This is probably how I form my opinion about people. If I came with a person to a cafe and he constantly sits on the phone, discusses something with someone, texts and also smiles, then I don’t understand what I’m doing next to him.

Among the girls, I noticed some kind of wild, fanatical discussion of likes and other people’s personal lives. This has always been alien to me - do people have nothing to do?

“Social networks, in my opinion, are an attempt to gain the approval of other people, but I don’t need that, I’m completely self-sufficient.”

Sergey

34 years old, lawyer / used to use VKontakte and Instagram

I work as a corporate lawyer, ensuring the legal purity of transactions and the safety of the company. I have little extra time, home and work, every free minute I play tennis and clay pigeon shooting. As a rule, I try to spend my weekends more calmly. I left VKontakte about a year ago, now I only use instant messengers. One day I thought - why do I need this? Waste of time, like a zombie in the morning: got up, went into the app, looked at what happened to people there, instead of reading a book, doing exercises.

I have a distant friend who can deny herself everything, but she has to post cool photos on Instagram that show how great everything is with her. Maybe, for example, you don’t eat for two days and then go to an expensive restaurant and take a photo there.

I have many friends who don't use social networks. I graduated from the Academy of the Ministry of Internal Affairs and worked in investigative agencies - there it is secretly prohibited. When I graduated, there was no such attitude towards social networks, but even then I understood that it was not worth disseminating information about my personal life.

I've often noticed that people who look like they're on a first date immediately turn to their phones when there's an awkward pause. Previously, when we didn’t know what to talk about, we talked about the weather. Now they are stuck in the iPhone.

I will not return to social networks under any circumstances. I don't need them for life. I’m not a media personality, and I don’t need them for work. With those with whom I want to communicate, I communicate this way. And I believe that communication over the phone or in person is better.

“It’s difficult to talk to people because they’re on their phones.”

Alexandra

21 years old, student / used to actively use VKontakte

I study at the institute and work. I used social networks very actively in high school, I actually started with the social network “My World” - I was in the sixth or fifth grade, about 12-13 years old. Just then they gave me my first laptop, the Internet appeared - and I was carried away.

I had about 450-500 friends in my VKontakte profile, each new acquaintance had the main question: “Are you on VKontakte?” It doesn’t matter whether you communicate closely with him or not, you definitely had to add each other. Sometimes I looked and thought: “Who are these people?” The face is familiar, the name is familiar, but how do I know him?

At some point I realized that I was constantly on my phone. I rode the subway and read the news, texted, looked at stupid pictures, sat at home and, instead of doing something useful, looked at stupid pictures again. And it seems that this is normal - you can take your mind off everything, but I did this constantly and corresponded on some unimportant topics.

Now, out of the entire group at the institute, I am the only person without social networks. I noticed with a couple that absolutely everyone had the same page with correspondence open on their phone. This seemed strange to me - everyone was like a zombie, although just a year ago I behaved exactly the same. And it’s difficult to talk to people because they’re on their phones.

I used to pay a lot of attention to a person’s profile, study his photographs and audio recordings and think: how cool he must be. I didn’t understand that real life is different from social networks, I merged it all into one. Sometimes I met a person in real life, then opened his profile and thought: “He’s kind of boring, I guess I made a mistake about him. Well, such a cool person can’t have such a page, something is wrong here.” Perhaps because of this I lost a lot of interesting people.

I think that ubiquitous geotags are just a blessing for thieves and all the intelligence services, who now know everything about everyone. Who went where, all the correspondence, all the broadcasts - everything. A friend of mine had a case when, because she posted photos from her vacation on Instagram, her apartment was robbed. They saw that she and her family were not in Moscow. If strangers didn’t know where she was, how long she had been gone, perhaps this would not have happened. She made their task a little easier for the criminals.

Once upon a time, ladies, looking closely at a gentleman, assessed how he behaved in society, how good his manners were, and what they said about his condition. Today it is much easier for us women. Just look at his page on the social network, and you get a lot of information about education, work, circle of friends, hobbies, favorite films and music. And if you know something about male psychology, you can dig deeper...

As RBC reports, the law firm Divorce-Online (UK) conducted a study showing that every fifth breakup occurs because a partner caught his spouse being unfaithful via Facebook.

My light mirror, tell me

Men, no less than women, love to attract attention to their appearance; if you don’t believe me, take a walk around social network pages. Psychologists have noticed that just from one avatar you can already tell a lot about a man. Those who like to show off put a good photo on their avatar - often a naked torso against the backdrop of a beach or a beautiful car. Business men have no time to admire themselves: they use avatars for purely practical purposes, placing advertisements and posters on them. Photos of film actors and show business stars can be found in demonstrative men who love to be paid attention to. By the way, it is also common for men with demonstrative behavior to periodically delete and restore the page. If on his avatar you see the Cheshire Cat, Gandalf or some other invented character, then most likely he is an infantile “big boy”. An individual who wants to highlight his success in business will place a photo on his avatar in a business suit. A gentleman who is not too confident in his appearance will prefer to put a close-up of his face or a photo in dark glasses on his avatar. Athletes often post their favorite team's logo on the page on the day of an important match.

According to measurements of the Russian Internet audience conducted by the American company comScore, social networks are visited by 75.8% of women and 69.7% of men, MediaPost reports.

Pay attention to the following points:

Closed social network page indicates that a man is selective in his approach to communication. Perhaps he does not want his profile to be seen by colleagues, superficial acquaintances, or people from a past life. Introverts often close pages. The page of a sociable person is usually open to new friends.

Show me your page and I'll tell you who you are

Of particular interest is the “personal information” section. Phrases such as “Let’s start with the fact that I’m mega cool!” They immediately give away a narcissist, a narcissistic man. He likes to quote others’ opinions about himself in his profile and is interested in anonymous confessions. A gentleman who describes himself with phrases like “I’m complicated, girls like that” or “There’s nothing good about me” plays the role of a kind of bad boy, although in reality they often turn out to be very vulnerable. A man who emphasizes his independence calls himself a “free shooter” or means that he is “in free flight.”

According to The Online Monitor, which conducted a study of the Runet audience, a third of users visit social networks 2-4 times a day, and about 18% do this more than 10 times a day.

If he writes about himself “A figment of your imagination,” then be prepared for the fact that this “tough nut” will not crack so easily: he has several active roles that he likes to play. Men are very self-critical, describing themselves as “lazy” or “boring.” And a real bore is the one who patiently describes all 355 of his favorite bands, not forgetting to name 100 films that amazed him and insert 30 book quotes.

A few clues to the secrets of his character

Pay attention to the “Questions” and “Notes” sections: whiners often ask questions like “I’m not happy, what should I do?”, romantics are interested in “Can love be eternal?”, philosophers like to show off their intellect, puzzling their friends with questions like “Quid Est veritas?”
Statuses: a man who changes statuses several times a day leads an active Internet life. If he doesn’t post statuses at all, then, as a rule, his real life is much more interesting than his virtual one. Such a prince uses the page to communicate with friends: invites them to meet, informs about a new mobile number.
Desires: if he dreams of a gift edition of Harry Potter, then in front of you is clearly a somewhat childish gentleman. If his wish list is full of gadgets and devices, be prepared to share it with a computer.

“Small actions say more about you than long posts.”

25 years old, manager / used to actively use Instagram

“When I tell new acquaintances that I’m not on social networks, they try to shake my hand.”

30 years old, top manager / never registered on social networks

Sometimes, when I come to a cafe with friends, I warn: whoever picks up the phone first pays for the entire bill. It annoys me that we can't just sit and chat - everyone is on their phones. This is probably how I form my opinion about people. If I came with a person to a cafe and he constantly sits on the phone, discusses something with someone, texts and also smiles, then I don’t understand what I’m doing next to him.

Among the girls, I noticed some kind of wild, fanatical discussion of likes and other people’s personal lives. This has always been alien to me - do people have nothing to do?

“Social networks, in my opinion, are an attempt to gain the approval of other people, but I don’t need it, I’m completely self-sufficient”

34 years old, lawyer / used to use VKontakte and Instagram

I have many friends who don't use social networks. I graduated from the Academy of the Ministry of Internal Affairs and worked in investigative agencies - this is secretly prohibited there. When I graduated, there was no such attitude towards social networks, but even then I understood that it was not worth disseminating information about my personal life.

“It’s difficult to talk to people because they’re on their phones.”

Alexandra

21 years old, student / used to actively use VKontakte

I study at the institute and work. I used social networks very actively in high school, I actually started with the social network “My World” - I was in the sixth or fifth grade, about 12–13 years old. Just then they gave me my first laptop, the Internet appeared - and I was carried away.

In my VKontakte profile I had somewhere between 450–500 friends, each new acquaintance had the main question: “Are you on VKontakte?” It doesn’t matter whether you communicate closely with him or not, you definitely had to add each other. Sometimes I looked and thought: “Who are these people?” The face is familiar, the name is familiar, but how do I know him?

I think that ubiquitous geotags are just a blessing for thieves and all the intelligence services, who now know everything about everyone. Who went where, all the correspondence, all the broadcasts - everything. A friend of mine had a case when, because she posted photos from her vacation on Instagram, her apartment was robbed. They saw that she and her family were not in Moscow. If strangers did not know where she was, how long she had been gone, perhaps this would not have happened. She made their task a little easier for the criminals.

We live in the age of information technology and social networks have become an integral part of our lives. And many are now interested in how much one can judge a person by his page on a social network. And is it even possible to say anything about the person we are interested in? A clinical psychologist, blogger and cognitive scientist answers these questions Nailya Eruslanova .

On social networks we exchange information, meet new people, communicate and, of course, present ourselves. For us, a page on a social network is, one might say, our face, our clothes. With their help, we want to tell others something about our inner state. Of course, from a social network page you can draw conclusions about a person’s personality and even his mental health.

If we are talking about the so-called portrait of a person on a page on a social network, it is necessary to pay attention to all the details: what avatar the person chose for his page, what music he listens to, what groups and communities he is in, what posts he has on the page, what he posts photo, what facial expression and pose prevails in these photos, what comments people leave on the page, how he responds to these comments, etc. All this can tell us about the interests, preferences, mood, and overall behavior of a particular person.

I would also like to emphasize that people often tend to demonstrate on social networks not “the real themselves”, but “the ideal themselves” - the way they would like to see themselves from the outside, the way they would like others to see them.

For example, let's say a bodybuilder focuses on his body - he constantly posts photos demonstrating his strength, power, and this greatly prevails on his page (unless, of course, we are talking about promoting the brand of a trainer and the like - here, after all, they act slightly different rules). This behavior may indicate that a person in some other areas of life feels very weak and is afraid of something.

Or it also happens that some ladies have a lot of photos against the backdrop of expensive cars, houses, yachts, and so on, photos of jewelry and clothes in the corresponding stores - all this may indicate some kind of dissatisfaction with their financial situation and a desire to somehow correct if it suddenly turns out that the lady does not possess all these benefits that she demonstrates.

I am often asked what can be said about a girl who posts her erotic photos. Could this indicate her easy behavior? Not necessary. Firstly, this can be a way of self-affirmation, and secondly, it indicates the hysterical traits of a girl (sexual provocation is one of the ways to attract attention from such individuals). Of course, if a person starts posting unpleasant, vulgar photos, then we can already talk about a serious mental disorder.

If a person has a lot of depressive posts on his page, gloomy gray pictures, a sad avatar, and generally low activity, this is evidence of depressive tendencies. Probably, when a person posts depressive information, he wants to draw attention to his problem; this is a kind of cry for help.

It also happens that a person places endlessly incoherent inscriptions on his page - this may be a sign of schizophrenic psychosis, fragmented thinking.

I have a couple of friends who have been posting information on the same topic on their pages for many years in a row - communism, equality and something similar, everything is in red on their pages, everything is in slogans. Such behavior indicates the presence of an overvalued idea (which can be both in serious mental disorders, such as schizophrenia, and in borderline disorders).

This, of course, is not all that can be said from a page on a social network. People on the Internet display their behavior in an endless variety of ways, just like they do in real life. We can talk about this endlessly. But the main conclusion that we can draw from all of the above is: yes, a person can be judged by his page on a social network.

– Several recent tragic cases have one thing in common: it is obvious that the profiles of the participants on social networks were very different from their real lives. What can force people to create such electronic doubles for themselves?

– The reasons may be different, although they, of course, can be grouped in a certain way.

There are always reasons for the fact that a person acts in one way or another: the basis of human behavior is always a need - an internal need for something. In turn, this need determines the emotional states of desire. Desires give rise to actions, behavioral acts.

For example, if there is a need to reinforce the body, a feeling of hunger arises. Accordingly, the person begins to look for food and opens the refrigerator. If the refrigerator is empty, he goes to the store; if there is no money, he begins to earn this money.

– But what exactly are the needs that drive a person to social networks?

– When people talk about needs, they immediately remember “Abraham Maslow’s pyramid.” There was an American psychologist of the mid-20th century who formulated the theory of the hierarchy of needs. At the base of his pyramid are biological and physiological needs: thirst, hunger, sexual hobbies, and the top is spiritual needs (self-actualization, knowledge of the meaning of one’s existence, etc.) - this is the highest manifestation of a person’s psychological powers. In the middle there is another group of social needs: security, the need to be in some kind of community, the need to love and be loved, the need for recognition or respect.

It is these needs, which psychologists call “gloric,” that force a person to use social networks to create such a “showcase” image. The one who is approved and envied. Such an image makes one love, respect, recognize - in a word, it provides the user with something that increases self-esteem.

– That is, a person transfers into “virtual” needs that for some reason cannot be satisfied in real life?

– Yes, and he can do this for various reasons. There are simply conformists, they look at their friends and imitate them, trying to be no worse. On the contrary, there are militant nonconformists who are trying to create an image of a protest hero on the Internet. And it doesn’t have to be beautiful, just bright.

There are people who protest, troll everyone - this is also the image they need. There are people whose virtual image is based on pure psychological defense mechanisms. That is, their life is not going well, it is unsuccessful, but they don’t want to show it to their family, loved ones, friends, or work colleagues.

– Are we always fake on the Internet, or can we avoid consciously constructing an image?

– This is a philosophical question. I think, to some extent, always. When we first meet someone, we won't be ourselves, we always want to seem better. Therefore, the question is only in the proportions of the real and the unreal.

- In most cases.

There are probably people who manage to fit harmoniously into this form of communication, but most fall under the temptations that virtual reality provides. In it you are closed, you can prepare an impromptu in advance, polish your photo, use a quote you spied.

This is all very convenient, because in live communication, unfortunately or fortunately, you have to be yourself. In reality, if you play, then you play according to all the rules of stage art, and social networks are specific in this regard.

Dutch student Zilla van den Boer conducted an experiment in which she tricked those around her into believing that she had spent five weeks traveling through Thailand, Cambodia and Laos.

In fact, from the airport she went... back to her apartment.

Most of the photographs that subsequently appeared on her page were edited using Photoshop. Not all of them had to be created completely from scratch. For example, part of the photo was taken at a local swimming pool and was only lightly edited. One photo of a Buddhist temple was taken right on the street of Amsterdam.

After “returning” from the trip, Zilla herself told her shocked relatives about her experiment.

- Certainly. What do we see most often on social networks? Most people want to appear happy and successful - such a showcase image. A display window is always a fence: we don’t see behind it what’s going on in the store, but we see what should lure us there, that is, we don’t see reality.

An account on a social network is, on the one hand, a ceremonial portrait, and on the other, a kind of screen behind which a real person is hiding. Therefore, of course, when a person sees this pomp around him, he inevitably wants to conform.

I remember the American psychologist Leon Festinger, who developed the theory of social comparison: when a person builds behavior and forms views, he involuntarily begins to look for some kind of ruler, scale. Usually these are the people around him, most often people who have significant characteristics in common with him: the same gender, age, social level. That is, these are friends, colleagues, members of some communities where a person belongs. Then he begins to compare himself with them and weigh what he is worth.

Usually in social networks this role is played by friends, with whom a person involuntarily compares himself and tries to look decent. Of course, there are different personality types, on the basis of which different characters are formed. Therefore, some need this recognition to a greater extent, others to a lesser extent. Hence the bar arises, which is set either very high, or “no worse than others.”

- Yes, sure. This is the problem with social networks, that people fall into this trap. In general, social networks for many are a parallel dimension where, if they succeed in creating an image, they feel comfortable. And if it doesn’t work out, they are unhappy, but are no longer able to leave this dimension, because what they need is also located in this social network.

Let's say a person is not succeeding at something at work, in his personal life, his health is poor, he goes to a social network and sees the rainbow of his friends' news feeds there. What does this generate? Negative feelings ranging from mild envy to bitterness. But the main thing that a social network generates is the artificiality of communication.

– Does it always end badly? Is a positive outcome possible here?

- Well, we immediately started going in through the back porch, from the bad side. In principle, a social network is a conquest of human thought. This is an opportunity to immediately, instantly enter into communication with people.

For certain categories of people - very introverted, autistic, disabled - this is an opportunity to get more communication than they can in principle in real life, plus gain some social skills that they will not get while sitting within four walls.

This is a platform, and how it functions depends on the person. But in order for a person to take only what he needs from social networks and not deform anything in himself, he must initially be mentally healthy and sufficiently harmonious. If this is not the case, we have to say that the social network, unfortunately, stimulates the negative that is in the personality, in its some disharmonious traits.

Facebook profile of a successful dermatologist Kirsten Rickenbach Cerveny from Long Island was full of photographs of family gatherings, travel, and a house in Long Island worth $1 million 640 thousand.

In early October, she was found in the doorway of an old apartment building, where, as CCTV cameras showed, she had been left unconscious by a longtime acquaintance and taxi driver several hours earlier. Death was caused by a drug overdose.

– Is there any set of conditions and diagnoses when you just need to turn off the Internet?

– It’s difficult to speak so categorically; such a question has never been asked.

There is a certain pathological condition “Internet addiction” that has been a clinical reality since the mid-1990s. Of course, this is the case when you need to find a way to turn off the computer, although sometimes this is almost impossible.

In addition, a certain culture has now developed, especially characteristic of young people. They just live on this Internet. At least half of the people who use the same social networks admit that it is difficult for them to control themselves.

– Not necessarily, but the risk is high.

The question about the fundamental basis of addictions is generally a medical-philosophical question; there is still no answer to it. Just like among narcologists, for example, there is still no consensus on whether a person who becomes a drug addict is initially defective. Common sense suggests that yes, he is predisposed to something, but there is no scientific basis for this fact yet.

– We talked about a person who creates his own profile. Now let's talk about those around us. Can everything written on the Internet be trusted?

– The answer is obvious: of course not. Because the Internet, as many say, is a big garbage pit where everything is dumped, including the good, the bad, and the incomprehensible. And sometimes it is difficult to determine which pile to put this or that in.

– If you see such a set of ceremonial photographs on a friend’s wall, what should you do: envy, sympathize, suspect something is wrong, call and console?

If it's an immediate family member, there are probably other ways to communicate. It might be worth asking, maybe even making some effort to get more reliable information about how he lives.

It is clear that everything needs to be weighed. The pictures themselves on a social network page speak exactly about what a person wants people to know about. And you just need to be interested in the lives of your loved ones, even beyond the Internet.

The search query “ideal profile” opens several dozen pages of links, most of the materials in which are ready-made instructions for creating an ideal image.

If you are applying, for example, for a promotion, your profile should not contain skeptical reviews about your native company, as well as compromising photos from corporate events. People who have no radical statements on their pages and those who have not been seen communicating with unreliable friends can apply for successful employment.

To get a loan, you need to remove from the walls records of all previous loans, photos of purchased gadgets and leave communities like “How not to repay loans.”

For those going on a date, “ideal profile specialists” suggest specifying the girl’s favorite flowers and dishes, as well as a list of places she likes to visit. The best option is to learn a few lines from her favorite poet. In the latter case, the creation of an ideal image smoothly moves from the “virtual” to the “real”.

– Why does society chronically not notice such things? And time after time, one story is repeated: in the photo there is an ideal family, all kinds of well-being are demonstrated. The last post is about how good everything is with us, then a tragedy.

– Society cannot see anything at all, but specific people can see. And only those close to you can see something for real.

In fact, a person may simply not have close relatives. Or he has them, but he is on bad, formal terms with them. There are friends, but among them there is not a single real friend who would know the essence of family problems.

And then the situations can be different, and the same murders can be completely impulsive. There are painful reasons why such impulsive actions can be committed, for example, there are special conditions in the form of twilight stupefaction.

That is, you always need to study each specific situation. At the very least, it is probably impossible to carry out preventive measures based on information from social networks, except perhaps in cases where screaming information “I don’t want to live” or “I want to kill someone” is published. But in such cases, everything is on the surface, and people who read and see it should trigger the mechanism of social and legal response.

– And when everything is fine, what does a person write on his page? Or is a prosperous profile also a wall that he builds?

No, because they publish exactly what they want to publish. If they want to share or solve some problem with someone, they are unlikely to do it on a social network. There are probably some exceptions, but, as a rule, this is not done through public discussions.

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